Wednesday, September 3, 2008

First Thoughts

As I sit here, trying to figure out exactly what I want to write about in my first blog, my mind is just a storm of thoughts and feelings about various things. I'll start off by saying what I hope to accomplish with this blog. I hope to open up an outlet for all my innermost thoughts and feelings. By doing so, I could release some unwanted stress and concerns.

For a long time, I've struggled to express myself openly to others. As far back as I could remember, I was always the quiet, shy, socially-awkward kid in the back of the room. I could rarely holdup a conversation (I still have problems with it now) and I dreaded initiating conversations with people. Because of that, I was constantly teased for being the "weird kid".

I think part of the reason was due to the culture that I grew up in. Being the son of first generation Vietnamese-American parents, they were deeply conservative and traditional. My parents were very introverted when it came to talking about their feelings. They were taught by their parents to deal with things on their own. You can find this true of most every Asian culture in the world. I guess it is suppose to build character. Make an individual independent, strong, and able to overcome any obstacle they encounter in life. I can understand this to a degree. But really, who wants to keep things in and deal with things by themselves? I sure don't. But that's what I was taught to do from an early age. Because of this way-of-thinking, I've had to bear sometimes overwhelming weight on my shoulder. If I was having a hard-time in school or was being bullied in school, deal with it. If I was feeling sad because the girl I liked rejected me, deal with it. If you had a question about something and couldn't find the answer, deal with it. And if you couldn't deal, you were looked upon as weak.

Looking back at all my past failures (which there have been many), I wish I would've gone to someone for help without the thought of being judged or the thought of shame. You might be telling yourself, "but that's why we have friends". And that's true. However, I felt this way around them as well. My mind was conditioned to deal things on my own. Even now, I still have a hard-time opening up to others. But the good news is, I'm working on it :)

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